Dream Post #1 - I Don't Wanna Feel Nothing


Last night, I couldn't sleep. I sincerely think I'm having bouts of insomnia these past months.

The worst thing about not being able to sleep is you are left to your own thoughts. Sometimes, that very same own thoughts are your worst enemy.

It could lead you to think life isn't worth living anymore and future is a terrifying uncharted course.

That is what exactly happened last night. Hundred times of tossing and turning couldn't get me to doze off.

I started to realise that I had nothing to look forward. I can't feel anything anymore. The future seemed so bleak right now. I don't see myself doing anything in the future.

It was so depressing that I don't even cry anymore.

Then somehow, I fell asleep after feeling like shit.

This dream felt so real. I was at an LRT station. I was going to search for a job but no one wanted me.
As someone who is introverted, getting rejected after gathering all my courage and strength going from one interview to another is a huge blow to me.

I can still feel that helpless feeling while not wanting to face the disappointment from my family again. I didn't want to go home.

I just didn't know what to do. So I sat on the floor of some LRT station while staring off into space.

Until someone appeared in my view. This was so shocking because what the fuck is Jung JoonYoung doing in my dream. The exhibitionist who was kicked out of variety shows because of his sex scandal and now travelling around the world as a 'reflection'.
He's the ultimate IDGAF about anything.

Thankfully (or unfortunately), there was no sex involved. He came in front of me and suddenly sat beside me. We talked which didn't make any sense right now because we're speaking different languages here.

Anyway, here I was talking to this guy and I told him everything about how I feel. He actually understood how I feel. He never talked about his problem or anything. He just sat beside me and listened to whatever embarrassing feelings I wanted to talk about.

At some point, we reached a new level of understanding. I finally had someone who understood me. I was so relieved to get my thoughts out and they're not eating me from inside out. I was feeling good again and I gained back my hope or will to move on forward.

I'm also pretty sure he then proceeded to play his guitar. True rock star even in my dream.

I woke up feeling like cold water had just been poured over me. That it was all a dream. That I had not met Jung Joon Young. That I had not met anyone who understands what I'm feeling.

I was devastated. I felt like I lost my only true friend.

I realised that my dream was telling me that I, of my whole life, never let anyone listen to my fucked up thoughts. People would tell all kinds of personal stories to me but I didn't think they would understand what kind of shitty thoughts have been brewing up in my mind.

I like to push my thoughts and problem away because I am good at avoiding things until it blows up in my face. I am the best at not thinking about my own feelings and instead distract myself with other superficial things. Lately, my distraction is the newly debuted boy group, NCT with unlimited numbers of members. They were the only ones who can make me feel happy even if it just for a while.

Hence, my subconscious conjured up someone who was willing to listen to me talking about my seemingly-no-hardship life. It was just so happened to be in form of Korean rock star who also seemingly to be not affected by his scandal.

After that, I felt the urge to listen to this song, Another World by NCT127. I felt like a light has shown me to see the way of what I am feeling right now. What a coincidence.

Even when I try to hold tightly, you disappear
Even when I extend my hand, I can’t reach you
I don't wanna feel nothing.Idon'twannafeelnothing.Idon'twannafeelnothing. 
This feeling right now so good so high
I don’t want to wake up, I wish time would stop right now