In 5 Years Time

Status: In 5 years time, you might just prove me wrong.
Song: 5 Years Time by Noah and the Whale
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I have wanted to write this kind of post ever since this video was made. I miss this show.





I actually had written halfway through another post called, 'To The Future Me' but then I lost the inspiration to write it. For your information, I have 50 unfinished drafts saved on this blog. So yeah I can never see things to the end.

To the 5 years old me,
I bet your short experience with the outside world traumatised you so much that you skipped one whole year worth of kindergarten days.You may wonder why you can't get along with other stupid kids. You may feel sad when other kids were playing around while you just stare from afar.

I want to say I'm sorry but you will always be the quiet girl. This will follow you everywhere you go and people will never understand us. You don't even know why you turned out this way. Therefore, be strong. You're alone against this world but at least you've known this earlier than anyone else. Don't worry. You will make friends. You're smart, smarter than most of those kids. You also got your family. You will get through this even though it doesn't feel like it.


To the 10 years old me,
I know that you tried really hard to fit in. You had followed your friends everywhere they go. Friends that you will forget their names and faces when you leave this shithole that is this school. Believe me when I say that you won't enjoy following them.You will be learning the consequences of following them. Like seriously joining scouts?? You don't even like marching.

Getting attached to them does you no good because like everything in your life, no one stays with you forever. When primary school ends, you won't be seeing them anymore because life is just that way where they put you on a lesser travelled road. Nevertheless, it will be the best thing your measly life has put you in.


To the 15 years old me,
How have the boys been treating you there? Insufferable? Yeah, I thought so. Boys have taken up quite an interest in you. You will encounter different types of boys in the coming days of your high school life. Some have made your life slightly harder. Some of them might even change your perspective on life too.

To be honest, I'm proud of you at this point. You have decided to do your own thing in your own way. You did not get attached to any of your friends neither did you follow them doing stupid things. You embraced the loner in you. It does get tough though especially when you're tired of being strong alone. Sometimes, you wish you could break the cold exterior you put up. It's okay to cry sometimes even if you don't know why.

P.S. I hope you know that the Jensen Ackles you have seen in television on one late night will remain the most attractive man you have ever laid your eyes on.


To the 18 years old me,
You thought you won't live this long did you? You thought you won't live long enough to actually graduate from high school nevertheless college. You thought life after high school is something unthinkable. So you didn't plan out your life.

You let fate decides on a lot of things. You didn't care what will happen in 5 years time because you still don't see any future. You don't see yourself living in 5 years time. I wish you didn't. I wish you were like your high school friends who seemed to have their life together. I wish you didn't concede to what your parents want or anyone else. I wish you take control of your life.

You didn't. You just went with wherever your life decided to take you when you failed to get a scholarship to study overseas. You were depressed so you just let anything happens to you. You didn't care. I wish you did even though it hurts.


To the 20 years old me, 
Nothing has changed for you. You're still the same but you have let people in. I'm proud of that. I hope you cherish the small moments you had there because you will miss those people at the weirdest time. Like on a rainy morning or at 3am when you can't fall asleep.

Unfortunately, this too shall pass. This university life too will pass and you still live on. I know you still think you won't live past the university life. That's why you still don't plan things out or care about your future like your friends. You're a robot who just live day to day.

At this point, there is nothing you can do. You're stuck with this life. Might as well live in the moment.

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This has gotten way too depressing but honestly, I still think I won't live long enough to see myself in the next 5 years. It has been that way since high school.

What triggered me to write this was a story I've read. It's about how demons have taken over the world and years later, human still lives on and survive despite how bleak and morbid the world has become. I love this kind of story where future is so bleak people rather die than be alive.

It reminded me that when you thought you could never live through something but then time moves on so fast you didn't realize you actually had gone past through another phase of your life.

Right now, I know I'm feeling hopeless about my future because I have no idea what to do with my life while my friends seem to get at least a gleam of an idea what they will be doing in the future.

It scares me so much of this uncertainty that is my future. Every time I realize I got rejected for a job again, I get slightly depressed and my ego bruised, I want to avoid everyone as time starts to move slowly. It's hell on earth literally.

That's why I have buried myself under hours of watching videos on Youtube and tv shows. I avoid human contact and I have revert to the old me. The old me who refuse to socialize with anyone because seeing them makes me feel like shit.

Anyway. I have just made this post a tad more depressing. I'm going to stop here before it got too deep.
A mantra to myself to keep living.

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