Of Loner and Friends

Status: Well, shit.
Song: Echo by Jason Walker. The essential loner song.

I'm out on the edge and I'm screaming my name
Like a fool at the top of my lungs
Sometimes when I close my eyes I pretend I'm alright
But it's never enough - Echo, Jason Walker.

 Before anyone starts reading this, I just want to let you know this post is really personal for me. I have been wanting to write this for a very long time but I thought it was too dark and pathetic to be in this blog.

Which is another reason I should be making a private side blog. Just for me by me.
Anyway, if you want to read rantings of 22 years old with emotional capabilities of 17 years old emo,  please do.

I have always been a loner since child.

I was that kid who sat by herself while others kids running around in the playground during recess.

I was also the same kid who thought she made a best friend only to realize the friend was only with me for money.

There was a long story behind that one. HAHA. This kid thought I was rich (what a dumbass) and everyday she would hang out with me until she asked me for my money.

Then, she disappeared after I gave her the money.

Because I was 7, what the hell is monetary value to a seven years old?!

So I kept giving her money for a year.
Even when I refused, she told me in spoilt brat tone that she was, 'If you don't give me money, I will tell my big sister that you owe me money.'

Of course, looking back, what kind of low level threat is that?

As a 7 years old, this was scary af. Her sister was 12 and a prefect.

Anyway, in the end I had the guts to tell my teacher about this bitch ( is it wrong to call a 7 years old bitch? meh.) and she never demanded me my money ever since.

Later in life, I finally thought being a loner is what cool kids do which is why Yamato from Digimon was my first crush.

By the time I was in high school, I had a very low opinion of people outside my family. I didn't believe in friendship. I only befriended people who benefited me.

For some time, it was true. Friends come and go.

In 22 years of my life, I never considered anyone as my bestfriend. The closest one is my sister.

The funny thing about this whole true friendship is that it has always been one-sided.

I get to listen to people moaning about their lives and sharing their secrets with me.

But I never share my feelings with any of them.
I don't know if people realized that or not. Maybe everyone is so caught up with their own lives to notice about others.

However, there was 2 significant person who I believed if it weren't for them, I wouldn't be as friendly nor as sociable as I am today.

The first one was someone from high school who I think is the only person so far the only one I have felt chemistry in terms of deep conversation. We don't usually have same perspective in life but that's what makes it so so fun conversing with him.

Also, he was the first one who seem to be interested in me just because I was who I was. Not because of what I have.

In spite of that, I am a masochist.  I pushed away everyone I was close with (including him) for the whole year. So things have been awkward ever since.

The second one was someone from my college days, the least person I expected to get attached to. Mostly because she's from Kelantan and she got that innocence aura around her that compelled me to protect her.
Which is weird because I don't protect people. I usually let shit happened to my friends even when I know in advance. Just for ~drama~.

Because of that I get real happy when I get to show her the ~outside world~ and she was the first person who showed me that lepaking and doing nothing can be enjoyable and not be filled with anxiety.

On one of the last days I saw her, she told me that the reason she wanted to befriend me in the first place was because I was inapproachable and she saw as a challenge.

I told this to the other guy, he told me that anyone who get to break the walls I've built must have been one hell of a person.

That friendship too didn't last long because of how vast difference our world is. For the first time, I was the one who got pushed away.

Between those two, the only similarities they both had was that I only contacted them on their birthday. Today is her birthday, fyi.

It's kind of childish and pathetic to look forward to a specific day when I could just contact them on any day.

But then they would be just like any other friends who will eventually fade away.

Nevertheless, this year proved me that even those who I held close to my heart too fade away eventually. Just at a much slower pace.

What is the point of having friends when they all will fade away as a stranger on social networking sites??