I'd Walk a 1000 miles If I Could Just See You Tonight (Nek, I miss you) Part 1

Status: *shakes head* *stares* and I need you. *shakes head* *stares* and I miss you.
Song: MAKING MY WAY DOWNTOWN, WALKING FAST, FACES PAST AND I'M HOME BOUND/
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I'm trying to make this post as light-hearted as possible because I know Anis will make it a 1000 times sadder. 


Before I get into the serious and sad stuff, I like to say something about this song, Vanessa Carlton's A Thousand Miles.

This song is one of those 'OH-SHIT-THIS-SONG-IS-MY-JAM' and we started singing loudly while reenacting a scene from the White Chicks whenever it comes on radio.

So, I would like to share this mix with you guys who are coping with stress, sad stuff or you're on your way to kampung today. Because it got Billy Joel's Piano Man in the mix and I want to be on my way to Malacca all over again. 

Fucking sing along from mermaidsummer on 8tracks Radio.



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Tomorrow is Raya and for the first time, I won't be in Malacca. Usually, today we would pack our things and I would be busy downloading some songs to listen in the car.


I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry today. I did because if this were last year, we would be busy preparing for the Raya dishes and listening to Nenek's rambling about nothing yet everything to me right now.


Now, I'm in KL and it doesn't feel like tomorrow is Raya. 


Let's start from the beginning.

Everyone had their own reaction to this. Qila and Sara woke up to the news and thought it was just a bad dream. Anis was about to enter school when her Dad told her about the news. 


I was eating my expired bread while studying for the test when I got the news. It felt like a horrible nightmare and I couldn't eat anymore.


I thought to myself, 'Shoot. I can't deal with this right now. In 30 minutes I have class and in 2 hours I have test.'

I cried. I washed my face and I looked into the mirror, I looked like shit

It was probably one of the most stressful 30 minutes ever because I don't feel like seeing anyone and I panicked as I can't recall what I just studied.


1, 2, 3, breathe in. 
5, 6, 7 breathe out.

I told myself that I can do this and I can face people today. Let's pretend that the news didn't exist. If I don't tell anyone, it didn't really happened.

One of the best thing about me is that after years of being alone and being different when with different people, I managed to put on a 'mask'.

Like any other time when I got too stressed out and I have too many emotions, I listen to classic rock.  My mind was blank as I listened to Eye Of The Tiger.

After the test ends and my lecturer cancelled the class, I dreaded to read back the message I got from my mom that morning.

I had some small hope that maybe I misread the message. It wasn't. It truly happened.

And my friends were asking if I was okay. I hate that question. Everytime someone asked me that, I know I'll cry. Every time.
I tried so hard not to cry but that question destroyed any strength I built up that morning.

The rest of the day was a blur. I felt like I was living out of a novel I recently read. Like;

'Is this baju kurung appropriate for funeral?'
'Should I be wearing dark shirts for the rest of the weekend?'
'How do I respond to text that offered their condolonces?'

It felt like I'm Nick from Gone Girl when he found out his wife is missing.


Next thing I know, I was at kampung and there was so many people.

"Is that her grandchildren?'
"They grew up so much."

It felt like I was in a movie as people were murmuring around me as I went to see Nenek.

I saw her and she looked like she just took a nap. I think I must have blanked out because then I heard someone told me to kiss her forehead.

As I kissed her, my mind whispered, 'Isn't this ironic? She used to kiss me when I was a kid.'
It was the first time and the last time I get to kiss her forehead.

My sisters and I were the last one to kiss her goodbye. Then, they were going to lay her to rest.

The atmosphere were somber and seeing the adults crying were awful.

When they laid her to rest, the one who was reciting the prayer was choking up and crying. Seeing your dad looking so sad, your cousins and sisters were crying was so mind-numbing.

It seems so private. It feels like I'm getting a glimpse to everyone's head at that moment.

The rest of the weekend was a whole blurry events.

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They said that sharing your good memories of the dead ones with other people helps a lot.

She still kept this picture of us.
On the last night in Krubong, the adults were distributing Nenek's stuff among themselves.

They shared a few memories. They make a joke or two to lighten up the mood.

Then, around 2am, we sat at our 'favourite' sleeping place in a circle. We took this box where Nenek liked to keep her precious things inside.

Each of us shared memories we had of Nenek and this kampung because now that she's gone, no one will be living in the house.

One of the most prominent memories I had of Nenek was whenever she saw me, she always talked about my childhood's BFF-ery with a guy cousin of mine, Nami.

"Dulu Combi (me) selalu je berkepit dengan Dak Belalang (TT), makan sepinggan, 'Abang dah makan ke belum?' Bila dah besar, semua dah malu.' 
HAHA NOPE. CRINGES FOREVER.

"Nasib baik ayah kau adik-beradik kalau tak dah lama kahwinkan."
HORRIFIED FOREVER.


The drawer full of precious things Nenek kept.
I used to hate it when she told the embarrassing part of my childhood days that I, myself don't remember. I mean, the guy and me aren't that close anymore except for the part where he tagged me as his stepmother on Facebook.


Now, I realized that no one is going to'eternalize' my humiliating childhood days as a clingy bestfriend-slash-girlfriend. I am relieved and sad at the same time.

Besides that, no one is going to call me Combi anymore. She's the one who gave me my most embarassing nickname when I was a baby because I was always crying. She named me after a character in an old P. Ramlee movie.


Nenek also assumed I am already working as a pharmacist. It was amusing that we always had the same conversation.

"Kau dah masuk universiti ke?"
"Dah."
"Belajar apa?"
"Farmasi."
"Aku rasa ada cucu aku yang dah kerja farmasi."
"Takdalaa nek. Belum kerja lagi."


Then, I realized I won't have that same conversation where I can finally tell her I am now a working pharmacist.


The girls each had their own stories to tell about their memories with Nenek.

Qila was the most affected among us as she was the closest to our grandmother. She told us that she bought scarves for Nenek.

Nenek would then boasted to a guest, "Tengok cucu aku beli barang untuk aku."

She told us that Nenek was always the happiest whenever someone buys her things. She kept complimenting Qila when she bought the stuff for her.


To be continued.

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