The Quiet Side

Mood: Angsty
Song: My Immortal by Evanescene

I'm tired of this life. This lies I'm living on. People always asking me, 'Why am I soo quiet?', 'Why do I look soo depressed?', 'Is something bothering you?', 'You seem soo distant than usual and meaner too, why is that?'. Let me answer it for you.

Me being quiet is the way you want me to be. I am depressed but I'm trying to hide it. Yes, something is bothering me. I'm just tired of being someone who I'm not. I'm not all nice like some people think. They ain't calling me Lord Vader for nothing, you'd know. I'm a bitch and I love bitching about people even though they're so nice to me.

When they told me to be the real me, I did.

What did they say? "What happened to the old you??"

They go all ignorez-vousing and shocked by it. This is why I don't understand them. So, yeah I have given up. Now, I'm just being in the middle of me and the other me.

It's not only that, I'm thinking of being anti-boys like Blair. But changed my mind when I saw that pics in the GQ magazine with Ed Westwick in it.

I'm still haunted the fact that L died. I may need some therapy on that. It's not something to laugh at. It hurts when people said, 'Get over it. He doesn't even exist.' They don't understand, it's not all about him that I'm sad. It's the death experience.

The last time someone I loved died was my grandpa. He was a great man. He was quiet and calm that showed he's da man of the house. When he died, I didn't feel a bit sad at all. I felt numb. Everyone was looking all glum-y and sad except me. It just seems so unreal. Everytime I went back to my hometown, I always look at the picture of him hanging from the wall and I didn't feel anything. I just stared at it. Death is soo unreal.

I don't understand why am I'm all depressed when L's dead. He's already dead since 2004 which is the same year my grandpa died.

Anyway, I'm still not watching the show. After I knew he was going to die in the upcoming episodes, there's no way I'm going to watch him die. He'll always live in my head. I'm not crazy. I'm just depressed.